Sunday, July 4, 2010

So here I am...contemplative and speculative on a dreary, cold Sunday afternoon.

It's been a series of jilted lows lately; intercepted by drama and frustration as the past few months repeat on me like a bad egg! How did I get to this place?!

Shock waves prickle my skin with each recurring flashback...how the mind tortures oneself; things you could have done or said to lessen the flow of anguish. *Cosmic Sigh*...no use now.

Sometimes I feel like I've lost my Soul Mate. That's how I felt about him in those early, happy days - those days that I spent breathless and out of control with desire and excitement... unforeseeable pain ahead of me. If only I'd walked away then...would I have been better off now? Would I have ever felt the glorious experience of Motherhood one day if this path did not come to pass? That thrusts things into perspective for me, briefly - my Angel Child; the result of a tempestuous relationship now shredded into soggy remorse.

I just want to shake him and kick him out of his egotistical bubble and tell him that he's making the biggest mistake of his life! The ebb and flow of my watery mood tumbles and tears at millions of thoughts, replenishing the regret, yet reminding me of how free I am from all the doubt and uncertainty. At least I know now in which direction I'm heading. Pros and cons. Highs and lows....Light and Dark. Love and Hate. I feel a rap song coming on!

I really thought I was over the worst; on the Road to Recovery! I wasn't exactly sure what that Road was supposed to look like - hell, people waving me on; heart aflutter at familiar sights as I remembered what it was like to be happy; a feeling of relief and warmth returning to my bruised soul. I was beginning to enjoy this sense of security. Then one, little knock and the facade came crashing down; the old theatre curtains hanging stoically in front of me, dusty and rank. Me, staring out into a dark, empty theatre; my audience long gone and no stories to tell.

I've learnt a lot about myself, no doubt. I thought I was a rolling stone...yeah, rock 'n roll man, haha - no, the kind that gathers no moss. I was on a mission to party my days away with endless tequilas in sight and music to sway my hips - that's all I wanted! How things changed! A part of me longs for those carefree days. Damn, I'm sure I'd still be hot and sought after if unexpected plans hadn't interrupted my folly! And the worst thing is that I see him out there, having the time of his life and I'm so damn jealous! Jealous that he's able to move on so quickly...and without me.

Whenever I see him, I try to find any last trace of the love he once felt, but his eyes are cold and empty. Nothing. At least if I saw a thread of some kind of emotion, I'd feel better, as if it's merely the complicated circumstances that have driven us apart. Not one bit. Here I sit with my heart heavy from residue and his heart is empty. Despite all the conflict and pain, I still long for him next to me, beside me, around me, holding me. It might be mere habit, but it feels so real and raw.

I see opportunities opening up around me though and my will is to explore. I know it's going to get better as each day drops away, but here I am, not wanting to let go because that means I'll have to let go! There is no hope for us. I have to banish my conventional ideals and give up the chase of for better or worse. It's time to rewrite my history.

And so I retire for the night, slightly lighter in mood and I bid you adieu! Tomorrow is a blank page and I endeavor to fill it however I see fit. Er, in Love and Light? Good night!