Sunday, July 4, 2010

So here I am...contemplative and speculative on a dreary, cold Sunday afternoon.

It's been a series of jilted lows lately; intercepted by drama and frustration as the past few months repeat on me like a bad egg! How did I get to this place?!

Shock waves prickle my skin with each recurring flashback...how the mind tortures oneself; things you could have done or said to lessen the flow of anguish. *Cosmic Sigh*...no use now.

Sometimes I feel like I've lost my Soul Mate. That's how I felt about him in those early, happy days - those days that I spent breathless and out of control with desire and excitement... unforeseeable pain ahead of me. If only I'd walked away then...would I have been better off now? Would I have ever felt the glorious experience of Motherhood one day if this path did not come to pass? That thrusts things into perspective for me, briefly - my Angel Child; the result of a tempestuous relationship now shredded into soggy remorse.

I just want to shake him and kick him out of his egotistical bubble and tell him that he's making the biggest mistake of his life! The ebb and flow of my watery mood tumbles and tears at millions of thoughts, replenishing the regret, yet reminding me of how free I am from all the doubt and uncertainty. At least I know now in which direction I'm heading. Pros and cons. Highs and lows....Light and Dark. Love and Hate. I feel a rap song coming on!

I really thought I was over the worst; on the Road to Recovery! I wasn't exactly sure what that Road was supposed to look like - hell, people waving me on; heart aflutter at familiar sights as I remembered what it was like to be happy; a feeling of relief and warmth returning to my bruised soul. I was beginning to enjoy this sense of security. Then one, little knock and the facade came crashing down; the old theatre curtains hanging stoically in front of me, dusty and rank. Me, staring out into a dark, empty theatre; my audience long gone and no stories to tell.

I've learnt a lot about myself, no doubt. I thought I was a rolling stone...yeah, rock 'n roll man, haha - no, the kind that gathers no moss. I was on a mission to party my days away with endless tequilas in sight and music to sway my hips - that's all I wanted! How things changed! A part of me longs for those carefree days. Damn, I'm sure I'd still be hot and sought after if unexpected plans hadn't interrupted my folly! And the worst thing is that I see him out there, having the time of his life and I'm so damn jealous! Jealous that he's able to move on so quickly...and without me.

Whenever I see him, I try to find any last trace of the love he once felt, but his eyes are cold and empty. Nothing. At least if I saw a thread of some kind of emotion, I'd feel better, as if it's merely the complicated circumstances that have driven us apart. Not one bit. Here I sit with my heart heavy from residue and his heart is empty. Despite all the conflict and pain, I still long for him next to me, beside me, around me, holding me. It might be mere habit, but it feels so real and raw.

I see opportunities opening up around me though and my will is to explore. I know it's going to get better as each day drops away, but here I am, not wanting to let go because that means I'll have to let go! There is no hope for us. I have to banish my conventional ideals and give up the chase of for better or worse. It's time to rewrite my history.

And so I retire for the night, slightly lighter in mood and I bid you adieu! Tomorrow is a blank page and I endeavor to fill it however I see fit. Er, in Love and Light? Good night!

Enlightenment of Load Shedding

Slowly, majestically, I felt myself being lured by vivid images forming in my head. I switched on the screen and waited tentatively for the tale to take its toll.

Like an unsuspecting surge of bliss, I could feel the soliloquay rising from the depths.

And there it was -brilliant descriptions gushing through my pores. Fingers tingling, darting across the keys. Bursting conceptions began to pulse before my eyes. I could feel my thirsty brain lapping up the words. Fantasies, colours and visions so profound; I was overwhelmed at the intensity of my visions as my fingers battled to keep the pace.

I was elated, wallowing in my genius. Just as I was about to conduct another symphony, I was thrust into utter darkness. . . . . . . "Oh my GOD!!! Not now, Eskom, PLEASE!!" The following description of my complete disgust had to be removed, but let us just say that hell's pit suddenly glowed with fervour at my possible shift to the Dark side!

Stumbling through the darkness, muttering like an old woman as to why those damn, concrete stairs always seem to trip me at the worst of times, I managed to feel my way towards the chest of crumbling candles and succumbed myself to the dim reality before me -feeling a wave of profound uncertainty sneaking over me as I wondered what the hell I was going to occupy myself with for the next couple of hours.

"Scrabble?" I suggested dispassionately to my Mum. A grumbling shape from the corner of the couch echoed my enthusiasm. Fumbling through last month's magazines lying pillaged on the table, I just couldn't seem to shake my irritation.

Slowly my eyes grew accustomed to the darkness. I began to notice objects unfolding from the shadows - the little wooden rhino poised on the stand; head slightly tilted in defiance of my new interest; the flowers in the garden as they shivered in the moon's silver glow...and a rather irritating insect that pursued my face with vehemence.

I couldn't sit there being penetrated by an Aphropod, so I chose to wander around the house and explore this secret world instead.

A buried memory bubbled to the surface of a time when candlelight once inspired fun. Huddled next to the blazing fire and shadows dancing on the walls, my father would narrate the grisly story of the disappearance of Rhoderick. "A lonely, old trout fisherman, was Rhoderick...he used to wander down to the dam at night..." (our dam apparently!) 'and fish by the moonlight for hours on end. Then one, cold night, something happened to Old Rhoderick! His fishing rod was found the next day, lying abandoned by the water's edge. Rhoderick had simply vanished!" By this stage, our eyes were nearly popping out of our heads in fear and my dad would proceed to take us down to the infamous dam in the suffocating darkness and tell us to look very hard into the water. . . . "BWAHAHAHAHA!!!" he roared behind us as his hands clutched our necks pretending it was 'the lost hand of Rhoderick'! Well, I'm sure the people on the neighbouring farm could hear us scream as we hurtled through the tall grass back to the farmhouse, imagining Old, rotting Rhoderick clambering behind us to drag us to the bottom of the muddy swamp!

Shuddering back to the present, I felt a little tentative to venture into the garden - the memory of Rhoderick sabotaging my enthusiasm. Creeping back inside, I felt a thump against my leg as my cat darted past me to lie in wait for a dreaded ambush. He was in his element as I tried to find him, hidden under chairs, me fumbling over feet.

This was no longer my idea of fun. "What on earth did people do to entertain themselves?" I marveled. Lying on the floor, staring at the ceiling, my mind began to wonder. . . . How did we become so dependent on something that's running out so fast?! It's almost as if we're reverting back to ancient times. We've gone a full circle - from simple ways of life to complex technological advancements - and now our system is collapsing.It might not so bad, I thought, living by the lamp. I probed this concept further.

There's a shift happening on this planet and reality as we know it is changing - what with global warming affecting climates all over the world and human consciousness evolving towards healthier ways of life. Seeing that reality is the product of our own making, then perhaps load shedding is society's manifestation of breaking down old ways as it moves towards enlightenment. Hmm....Well, I managed to occupy myself on that topic for quite a while.

When I eventually flopped into bed much later, my raging fury had gone. Load shedding is just a product of our future. As sleep gently caressed me with its cloak, I drifted off and thought: "If this is how it's going to be now, I really have to save my work!"