Post Party Bubble

The journey home always seems to take longer than the journey there, I mused as the never ending highway held us firmly in its grip. My eyes danced with the cats eyes flitting past the window as they lured us along the quiet road. Soon I fell into a blissful stupor and all the wonderful encounters I experienced this night came tumbling into mind.

My ringing ears further blocked out the cold morning outside. The music, ecstatic screaming and aural weirdness had taken its toll. As I fell into a mellow stupor, my body tingled with joy and my heart was warm; a cozy smile betraying my private thoughts.

Morning has broken...

Morning has broken...

My languid dreams disappeared into the ether this morning when a familiar coo summoned me for huggles at 5am!! I wanted to scream and bury my head under the warm folds of my duvet, but my heart started strumming a fervent tune so I peeled my legs off the bed and felt my way across the messy landscape in the dark. Ah, the sweet reward of a cuddly embrace!

Fast forward an hour later and I'm bouncing around the room pretending to be a swashbuckling pirate with my boy whilst the rugged sounds of Johnny Depp in the background keep me going! I love coffee!!

Cruising through the weaving traffic, I approached the familiar circle with reserved enthusiasm, only to be challenged to a fender duel by two rickety, old ladies in an SLK Merc!! My hands started waving hysterically and my mouth wanted to spew all manners of obscenity, but something harmonically good inside of me, halted.....and allowed the catastrophe to pass. The Grannies sped off alarmingly fast. I wasn’t sure whether I was impressed or incensed! So much for a peaceful start to the day. Surely the sanctity of Luke's classroom would be a relief from the hazards of road life!

No such thing. What an idiot to assume anything short of chaotic! Groups of little cherubs singing, painting, crying, shoving and shouting! Faces all snot-nosed and teary, rushing around defending their territory; it was too much for my neurotic brain.. With an apologetic grimace, I handed Luke over and fled!

In the silence of the car, my nerves felt strung out and it was only 8:30 in the morning! Was I really up for a grueling session with my personal trainer now? I turned on the radio as if I might find my answer there. A quirky voice babbled out and I felt instant relief - relief that there was someone else out there who had it worse off than I did; at least I could dribble home as soon as I felt like it. Suddenly I felt inspired: damn it! I’m going to be the better person! I’m going to get out there and kick my winter arse good-bye!

I was quite mistaken; it wasn’t me who hurled abuse at my arse, but my trainer. An hour of absolute torture on my limbs caused me to wobble to my car like a geriatric. Cancel all the complaints from earlier; NOW I was finished!

As I flopped onto my bed at last, a sweet feeling of pure bliss swept over me. At last I could relax and immerse myself in the quiet of my solitude. What a rigorous start to the day - how is anyone ever supposed to come out of a morning like this and still be expected to be cool?
"Meditation”...my Inner-me answered.

Yeah, yeah..give me another couple hours won’t you?!

But a couple of hours more I did not have and I dragged my feet off the bed and planted them on the floor with a grand thud! My cogs whirred into place and my body fell into line automatically. So beginneth the next chapter in my day...

Lilliview's photostream

Lilliview's photostream on Flickr.

Lunacy

 

Tripod in one hand and camera in the other, I lumbered into the garden, terrifying all nightly creatures in my wake with my noisy clanging and cursed mutterings. Looking up to the Heavens, I marvelled at the glowing orb above me.

I felt a little shiver as I pondered over how people in Ancient times must have felt; peering up at the ominous Body in the sky above them. They must have experienced a sense of apocalyptic fear and awe during a Lunar Eclipse.

Shaking off the dregs of foreboding, I went about erecting my tripod in the most suitable position for capturing the Moon’s transformation…not an easy task, I soon realised.

First I had to find the moon because my

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darned LCD screen wasn’t working so I had a limited view through the tiny viewfinder. Eventually I caught a glimpse of a tiny, silver spot in the frame! Now I had to stabilise the tripod so that the only connection of my trembling finger to the fragile setup would be to push the button and snap away.

Ha! That was a mission! Every time I adjusted one of the legs, the moon bounced away, escaping my clutches. After fumbling around frantically, I finally imprisoned the Lunatic and gingerly prodded the shoot button - ‘click, click, click’…

Suddenly the blasted tripod started wavering. Each time I hit the button, the rubber foot yielded its grasp a little more so that once again, I had to stake out the Moon in a frustrated sequence of  prodding and cussing!

Gotcha! I wasn’t going to lose Her this time. I shoved my eye into the misty frame snapping away until my aching shoulders conceded defeat.

Not bad, I thought, for my first attempt and with a glow in my heart, I left Her to it and simmered down to wallow in Her magnificence.

My Life at Work

Another eviction over and another life destroyed. It's an emotional game, this reality show. As an observer, I find it extremely difficult not to become entangled in these people's lives; in their fears and hopes and in this case, bitter disappointment.

Who was evicted? The Housemate in question is the South African girl, Nkuli. Her face a picture of utter shock as she realised her fate in front of millions of people. Nowhere to hide. This is why we watch. These moments of human nature, exposed in the naked truth, provide us with fascinating entertainment.

We shriek in anticipation and horror as we witness the reactions from the Housemates. We find ourselves identifying with their character flaws and judging them in retaliation of the voice inside us that shares their shame. We feel relieved that other people are getting the flack for choices we all make every day and laugh at them to cover our own humiliation.

As a person who is constantly trying to find peace through truth, watching the show induces in me an ongoing internal battle between right and wrong, good and bad. The eternal feud of humankind. Every time I 'whoop' with delight as one of the Housemates is berated, I am filled immediately with a sense of shame. Shame in myself for enjoying someone else's misery. As much as I feel the satisfaction of witnessing someone else's retribution on another, my heart knows that it is all an illusion. This game of life has many faces. Each individual is propelled along their own path of choices and consequences that fit perfectly into their Big Plan so for me to judge them or to feel satisfied with the events that unfold around them is to hide behind those issues that I myself, plan ton deal with.

This is one of the reasons why I love working on a production like this. I am constantly engaged in self-realisation and reflection as I love, hate and grow with these people on the screen. And I get to make the pictures look pretty...and it's all LIVE!

Lucky me!

Snow in Jozi!

My head is filled with the thrill of snow! A cultivated world of mirrors and deception where anything is possible. This is the land from which I return to reality and as I sit here settling into my familiar skin, I struggle to pacify my excitement as I reflect on the surreal events of the evening.

Channel O, house music and foam. What a combination! Take it one step further and add passion and the beautiful vision of my camera operators and you have a melting pot of exquisite creativity! That was how my evening rolled tonight! I LOVE MY JOB!

I was fortunate enough to be the Director on shift in the Big Brother House this evening for the live Channel O party. With bated breath and quickening pulse, the house doors opened onto a garden filled with snow, creating a winter wonderland. The Housemates were provided with Christmas costumes to coincide with the theme and the sight of gorgeous guys and girls in sexy elfin threads set the tone for the party!

No matter how much you prepare for the unfolding events on this show, you can never predict how it's going to go so when the housemates poured out into the garden and saw a landscape of foam that looked like snow, their screams and excitement tingled my senses! And so the party began!

The air was alive and on fire, pulsating to the sounds of the beats; hips gyrating and bodies dripping from the sea of foam. And all the while, the team of camera operators, directors, shaders and sound working in sync to create a montage of beautiful images.

As the music faded and the dj left, I was on a high. What an amazing experience. As I was driving home, alone in my car with my thoughts lulling me back to self, I realised what a privilege it is to be able to create a constant flow of beautiful images as a means of telling a story. A story that evolves and diversifies with every, single moment. And I get to capture every moment that I sit behind that desk. What a job! Wow, do I love it!

Tomorrow I get to do it all over again! Til then...

Sunday, July 4, 2010

So here I am...contemplative and speculative on a dreary, cold Sunday afternoon.

It's been a series of jilted lows lately; intercepted by drama and frustration as the past few months repeat on me like a bad egg! How did I get to this place?!

Shock waves prickle my skin with each recurring flashback...how the mind tortures oneself; things you could have done or said to lessen the flow of anguish. *Cosmic Sigh*...no use now.

Sometimes I feel like I've lost my Soul Mate. That's how I felt about him in those early, happy days - those days that I spent breathless and out of control with desire and excitement... unforeseeable pain ahead of me. If only I'd walked away then...would I have been better off now? Would I have ever felt the glorious experience of Motherhood one day if this path did not come to pass? That thrusts things into perspective for me, briefly - my Angel Child; the result of a tempestuous relationship now shredded into soggy remorse.

I just want to shake him and kick him out of his egotistical bubble and tell him that he's making the biggest mistake of his life! The ebb and flow of my watery mood tumbles and tears at millions of thoughts, replenishing the regret, yet reminding me of how free I am from all the doubt and uncertainty. At least I know now in which direction I'm heading. Pros and cons. Highs and lows....Light and Dark. Love and Hate. I feel a rap song coming on!

I really thought I was over the worst; on the Road to Recovery! I wasn't exactly sure what that Road was supposed to look like - hell, people waving me on; heart aflutter at familiar sights as I remembered what it was like to be happy; a feeling of relief and warmth returning to my bruised soul. I was beginning to enjoy this sense of security. Then one, little knock and the facade came crashing down; the old theatre curtains hanging stoically in front of me, dusty and rank. Me, staring out into a dark, empty theatre; my audience long gone and no stories to tell.

I've learnt a lot about myself, no doubt. I thought I was a rolling stone...yeah, rock 'n roll man, haha - no, the kind that gathers no moss. I was on a mission to party my days away with endless tequilas in sight and music to sway my hips - that's all I wanted! How things changed! A part of me longs for those carefree days. Damn, I'm sure I'd still be hot and sought after if unexpected plans hadn't interrupted my folly! And the worst thing is that I see him out there, having the time of his life and I'm so damn jealous! Jealous that he's able to move on so quickly...and without me.

Whenever I see him, I try to find any last trace of the love he once felt, but his eyes are cold and empty. Nothing. At least if I saw a thread of some kind of emotion, I'd feel better, as if it's merely the complicated circumstances that have driven us apart. Not one bit. Here I sit with my heart heavy from residue and his heart is empty. Despite all the conflict and pain, I still long for him next to me, beside me, around me, holding me. It might be mere habit, but it feels so real and raw.

I see opportunities opening up around me though and my will is to explore. I know it's going to get better as each day drops away, but here I am, not wanting to let go because that means I'll have to let go! There is no hope for us. I have to banish my conventional ideals and give up the chase of for better or worse. It's time to rewrite my history.

And so I retire for the night, slightly lighter in mood and I bid you adieu! Tomorrow is a blank page and I endeavor to fill it however I see fit. Er, in Love and Light? Good night!

WMC 2011, Miami

I was woken up from my crusty dreams this morning by a call from home...my heart ached! I heard my little boy on the other side asking me for huggles ...gosh, I nearly broke down! I mss him with every fibre in my body.

On the other hand, I've been very preoccupied with the World Music Conference in Miami.

It's been a week of partying, networking and too much of walking! Submitting myself to the luxury of cabs these days! Five Dollar - cheap-cheap!

On the whole, I've been somewhat disappointed with the international dance scene in Miami. The idea that the World Music Conference (WMC) represents the international dance scene seems subjective and limited. Most of the events and parties organised for the Conference are House music parties and to my surprise, most of the music is dated and commercial. On two occasions now my friend and I have tried to find a throbbing club with heavy dance tracks to no avail. None of the clubbers seem to mind though; whooping and waving their hands in the air with vacuous delight.

As far as the potential for visual stimulation at the parties is concerned, I have been further surprised that the art of vj'ing is something of a novelty still. The images have been mediocre and dull and seem to be pre-recorded and automated. I have only seen one vj at a club and his visual story lost my attention very quickly. Although this undeveloped art is disappointing and unexciting, this spells opportunity for me. Clearly the art of the vj has a long way to go before it becomes an interdependent element in the club experience and it's encouraging to see that South Africa might actually be ahead in this department - I have seen some amazing visuals at parties in Johannesburg.

Not all bad though; the weekend is upon us and there are some brilliant events lined up so I'm excited to see what the WMC is able to conjure up for its fans.

Until then...nts-nts-nts...

Chorizo Sausage Bikini Body

I have a little bottle of rescue drops attached to my belt and every time I have a panic attack, I take a swig. Instant relief.

Why am I so nervous, you ask? I'm only going to...MIAMIII!! Sure, the mammoth plane trip shouldn't freak me out, nor the nasty injection I have to administer before the plane trip, thanks to my maddening thrombosis (I can see myself now, hiding in the toilet cubicle in the airport while my flight is boarding, willing myself to puncture myself and get on with it...sweat and the shakes...oh hell!)

I am looking forward to absorbing myself in my my new book during the flight though - calming my nerves and escaping the jitters. 'The Delta', by Tony Park. Supposed to be a gripping read. I also bought myself a notebook to jot down my demented ramblings. That should keep me occupied during the flight. And then there's always whiskey!!

So I took myself off to the salon today to smother my body in spray tan. The beautician asked me which shade I'd like: light, medium or dark. "Medium" I blurted, thinking it would be a mild transformation for my in-the-process-bikini-body. Well, thank goodness I didn't go for the dark; I look like a chorizo sausage! What's worse, when I de-robed at home to survey the transformation, my heart sank...hiding below my butt, were two strikingly white stripes where the paint had come off after sitting in the car! Groan...Aren't they supposed to warn you about these things? She said I should avoid any contact with clothes or water for eight hours (extremely difficult unless you're walking home in the nude!) but as soon as I can, I'm going to attack those stripes with a bottle of fake tan and hopefully, my zebra status will diminish rapidly!

So here I sit, procrastinating the mountain of packing behind me; its messy mound messing with my sanity as I ponder the chores ahead of me before I leave 'terra firma' tomorrow.

Well, I best get to it. Where to start? Where does one start - shoes? A good a place as any. Here goes. The next time I drop a line, will be in Miami, Baby!!

Good-bye and love you all.
PS: My heart breaks at the thought of leaving my beautiful boy for a week and I'm going to be miserable for a few hours, but I'm hoping that'll all disappear as soon as my feet hit the ground.

To infinity and beyond!!!

Half-baked Pie

I think I might be seething! I've always wondered what it might be like to experience a seethe...well, I think this is it! I quote from the dictionary: 'to surge or foam as if boiling'. Inner hell-pit boiling with rage? Check!

I had the misfortune of having the carpet swept out from under me this weekend by my charming ex-boyfriend. The word boyfriend and this man said in the same sentence is enough to make me seethe! The list of heathen words I'd like to use in his 'honour' are boundless, but I refrain for your sake.

His deceitful actions on the weekend have opened a whole new can of worms. I see earthquakes and fierce volcanoes erupting in the weeks to come. We cannot agree on anything and we have tried to work things out amongst ourselves as we go along, but unfortunately we end up butting heads at every turn.

It's really quite sad. I had such fertile dreams about starting a family, no matter how difficult things seemed to be. I always imagined that this road was our destiny and that there would be joy and unicorns and confetti at the end of it! Wrong movie!

However, I am truly grateful that we did not persevere our relationship because I fear we'd both be dead!

That all said and all the rancid rant extinguished from my mind, I am left with a deep sadness that things have evolved with such malice between us. We shall be a part of each other's lives for as long as we both shall live for the sake of our child and we have to find a way of dealing with that.

My soul is such that I strive to be the best I can be in every situation. My heart pumps custard at the slightest adversity! I realise now that my gentleness has been my mistake. Boundaries maketh man, it should be said! It's time I baked this gooey pie into something hard and crusty!

This is one helluva ride and the waves of adversity keep on coming, but I'm getting me a surfboard...with rainbows and smiley faces and unicorns!

Dichotomy of a Mother

The early morning light, sneaked its way through the tiny slits in my curtains. I pulled myself up quietly to peer into the little cot next to my bed. My heart swelled as I gazed upon the angel resting quietly within.

Slowly like a snake in the tangled forest, I shifted my legs so as not to make a sound. As I watched this tiny face, I had an overpowering urge to kiss his little eyes and stroke his soft hair. I wanted to feel like this forever...a thought so powerful that I was suddenly thrust into a moment of anxiety. I realised that this moment wouldn't last forever; my little angel will grow up and one day he will no longer want me to stroke his hair or kiss his lids. My heart panged with a feeling of deep loss and grief as an image came to mind: a swing, motionless in the cold morning, empty where once my angel used to sit and play; the sweet sound of his laughter filling the garden with joy.

I held back the tears for fear of waking him up, but as I pictured this frosty scene from my future, I felt a wave of sadness encircling my heart and I realised, I had to let go.

Morning Rendezvous

I flung open my wardrobe, willing that sexy outfit to jump out me and seduce me with its prowess. "Speak to me my Lovely! Today's your day! Grrrufff!" I scanned the shelves...eyes flitting over the rows and rows of...dark, depressing drab! Nothing to wear! I could feel my inner monster uncoiling slowly as my options began to wane. Panic! Oh hell, why didn't I make use of the sales this year! How am I supposed to be a sultry siren with this vintage ensemble! Oh what a relief as my eyes landed on the dress that was going to make him drool! On it went in two tugs of a pink puff. A quick fix of the hair, a bangle or two and I was off.

My titillating destination? Matinée at the movies for a saucy rendezvous with my new 'friend'. It felt deliciously wicked - single Mum with secret life - I quickly banished any thoughts of school or motherhood from my mind...today was about me and my sexy, wild side!

The deal was to buy separate tickets and find each other in the cinema. I was looking forward to finding my 'friend' in an aisle somewhere, clambering over last night's chewing gum, tremulous with desire!

The deal was to buy separate tickets and find each other in the cinema. I was looking forward to finding my 'friend' in an aisle somewhere, clambering over last night's chewing gum, tremulous with desire!

Finally we found our seats and rooted ourselves for the trepid adventure ahead. All ready to go, I looked to my right and to my despair, I saw two old ladies approaching us. "No, please don't say they're going to sit next to us!" Shuffle, shuffle....stumble, shuffle...look, look...shuffle, shuffle and yes...a few seats away from us. *Groan*...no chance of maximising on our titillating love seats then. Darn! So much for my romantic adventure.

*Sigh*...another one for the books; another fairy story disrupted in Lisi's World.

And so I carry on.